Title: Five Conversations Michael Bluth Has Never Had With His Family
Author: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ava_leigh_fitz
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: PG
Spoilers: All of the show, just in case
Word Count: 1235
Prompt(s):
1.“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me”
2.Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.”
3.“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
4.“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on”
5. “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. .”
Summary: The Bluth family isn’t one for normal.
A/N: I’ve never ever written Arrested Development before. Huge thanks goes out to falseeeyelashes for giving this a look over and suggesting and generally being awesome.
Five Conversations Michael Bluth Has Never Had With His Family
i
It was an awkward morning in the Bluth household. Correction: it was a normal morning in the Bluth household. In just the first three hours Michael had suffered severe trauma as a result of Tobias’ regained sense of freedom due to his abandonment of never-nude policies; woken up to find his sister in his bed and a dead rat in the fridge beside the orange juice. This is not counting his son’s revelation concerning his feelings towards his not-cousin Maeby a week ago. The two had been steadily avoiding the subject as best they could. Until today.
Today was the day that George-Michael was determined to ask Maeby out. And in his resolve, he had come to the conclusion that he was in desperate need of some fatherly advice.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
It’s as this point that George-Michael’s face gives it all away. “Look, I know you don’t approve and that you don’t think it’s a good idea and that you told me not to but I’m 17 and I really like her and I was just wondering…”
He trails off and Michael knows the question before it’s asked.
“HowcouldIaskMaebyout?”
Michael sighs, sitting down at the table arms folded and wiser than he wishes (though not as experienced as he believes). “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat.” He leans forward and pauses, thoughtful and frowning as his son jangles with nerves. Leaning on his hand, he advises: “French fries usually works for me.”
ii
Michael Bluth makes his way to the kitchen of the model home where he and the rest of his family currently reside and where his twin sister Lindsay (note: neither his twin nor his biological sister) is slumped on the breakfast bar.
“Good morning, Lindsay.”
It is not a good morning in the Bluth household.
“God Michael, do you have to talk so loud so early in the morning?”
“It’s eleven am.”
“Precisely, A. M.”
“Ah okay, you and Tobias made an attempt at ‘marital bliss’ again didn’t you?”
“No, not exactly.”
This was exactly what had happened and as before, Tobias passed out before 2nd base could be successfully, navigated.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
-
Unfortunately, they follow the Lucille way of discussion: a bottle of vodka in the middle of the afternoon. Stop me if this scene is becoming a little familiar (this happens a lot, but as the FCC will have you know we just can’t show most of it).
Three shots into this conversation, the real reason for Lindsay‘s marrying of Tobias is revealed:
“He just seemed like a really sweet, if oblivious guy.”
“And you knew Mom would disapprove.”
“Oh, were you asking for the main reason?”
Perhaps less revealed and more confirmed. Out loud. Very loud. Clearly Lindsay is not following the conversation as well as one might have hoped.
Three hours (five vodkas later):
The two of them are lying on their uneven floor; Michael‘s caught some of Lindsay‘s hair in the button of his shirt and she sits up, “You know what? Men. Men, are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.” She shifts just a little and suddenly it feels like she might just be straddling him. “Or related to you.”
This is when Michael realises that his sister is hitting on him. And he finds he has no way to respond, not that the vodka currently spiking his blood alcohol level is really helping with his reflexes. So he figures, ‘what the hell?’ and kisses her.
iii
It‘s the third week of George Sr‘s stay in the attic of the model home and Michael has some bad news.
“I think Oscar‘s staying.”
Michael was referring to the first of his many attempts to gauge the strength of the relationship between his mother and his uncle.
“So?”
Michael is stunned. “What do you mean so? You’ve had me go out there and make a complete idiot out of myself to get some answers for you and you’re going to do nothing about it?”
“No Michael, when a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her!”
“Such a healthy relationship, you and Mom.”
“She’s sleeping with my twin brother!”
“Sarcasm Dad, sarcasm. You and Mom are anything but healthy. It’s a miracle any of us turned out halfway normal.”
Let me recap: his sister’s trying to seduce him, one brother’s trying to boil himself into a cup of soup, the other’s dating/dated his mother’s best friend. Michael himself is hiding his fugitive father in the attic of a model home; Michael (and 2/3 of the Bluths) live in a model home. The Bluth family are, under no circumstances nor in any way, normal.
And we haven’t even mentioned the second generation yet.
iv
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone else to blame it on. That first man would be Gob.
Three hours earlier: in the Bluth Company boardroom
“Michael!”
A smug smile from Gob and rolled eyes from Michael, “What is it Gob?”
“I have a little, proposition for you.”
It’s at this point that Gob makes the mistake of sidling up to his younger brother, which makes Michael very uncomfortable,
(cut to earlier this morning: Lindsay letting her robe fall open at the breakfast table as she sits down opposite Michael. Eyebrows raise and teeth grit.)
“No, I think I’ve been propositioned enough Gob.”
“But it’s a really good idea! You see, I was thinking that I might try the ol’--”
“Look, I’m sure it’s a great trick Gob but -.”
“Illusion Michael! Illusion!”
“But we’re being investigated again by the SEC, our father refuses to leave Cabo and oh yes, our mother is in jail.”
“But that’s the point!”
“You know what? I don’t even want to know.”
Unfortunately for Michael, Gob took that as encouragement. Having never received encouragement as a child, it’s understandable that he might get confused.
-
Back to (fifteen minutes before) the present:
‘The Final Countdown’ blares from the rented speakers in front of the Orange County Prison; Gob struts in a cape, “This is for you Mom!” as he realises too late that the lighter fluid he used may reach further than he had anticipated.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
-
On the eleven o’clock news that night, ‘Human Flamethrower in Prison Break Attempt’.
Gob is waving in the smoke, shouting “It was Michael!”
v.
“Mom!”
Michael Bluth is not happy.
“Yes Michael?”
“Where are the company accounts?!”
(cut to footage of Lucille shredding documents in a wood chipper.)
“Oh it’s nothing, it’s all been taken care of.”
“What did you do? If you did something illegal…why are you so irresponsible? You know we cannot afford any more lawsuits!”
“Don’t be so serious Mi -”
“This is serious Mom! This could get you landed in jail, you and me both. And unlike you, I have a son I care about enough not to get his name dragged through the mud.”
“Oh hush, never take life too seriously Michael. Nobody gets out alive anyway. .”
“Ah, another invaluable bit of Bluth family advice. Well, thanks Mom, you’ve been far less than a real help.”
“My pleasure.”
Martini glass raised in half salute, Michael walks out the apartment shaking his head.